Coach JP suffering at the end of the 2023 Run For Water Trail Race

Do As I Say, Not As I Do: Lessons I’ve Learned The Hard Way About Recovery

There is a pattern I have seen in men for my entire coaching career. It has shown up in the gym, in small group sessions, in private conversations before class, on hikes, during runs, and in the quiet messages that arrive late at night when someone is struggling but does not know who else to talk to.

The pattern goes something like this.

A man feels tired or stressed or stretched thin. Instead of slowing down, he pushes harder. Instead of resting, he doubles up. Instead of asking for help, he grinds quietly. He lifts heavier, trains longer, sleeps less, demands more from himself, and convinces himself that he is doing the “right” thing because he is working hard. Meanwhile the wheels start to wobble. Energy drops. Sleep becomes patchy. Small aches turn into nagging pains. He gets irritable. His patience shortens. Relationships strain. Work feels heavier. The training that used to feel good now feels like another chore on the to do list.

Yet he keeps going.

Not because it is smart or sustainable, but because stopping feels like weakness and slowing down feels like failure.

I have done it myself in different seasons of my life. I have pushed when I should have paused. I have trained through fatigue that I tried to pretend was not there. I have ignored the signs that something needed to shift. I have convinced myself that discipline meant overriding my own body rather than listening to it. I have treated rest as something I had to earn rather than something required for survival. I have broken myself in the process more than once.

If that sounds familiar, you are in the right place.

This article pulls threads from several earlier Hard Work Wednesday and Mindset Monday posts, including You Don’t Have to Earn Your Rest, What Counts as Hard Work, and Real Discipline Is Adaptable. It also ties directly into the Movember theme of men’s health, stress, silence, and the heavy load men carry alone far too often. The goal is not to tell you to stop working hard. The goal is to help you understand why recovery, sleep, breath, and stress management matter just as much as sets, reps, heart rate and discipline.

And before we go any further, a small caveat. Nothing in this article is meant to replace medical advice. If you struggle with chronic insomnia, sleep apnoea, or stress symptoms that feel beyond your control, speak with a qualified professional. What follows is general guidance built from two decades of lived coaching experience, not a diagnosis.

With that said, let us dig in.

When Hard Work Quietly Turns Into Self Punishment

You would be surprised how often the men I coach tell me that the moment they feel most in control is when they are pushing themselves to the point of exhaustion. Not because they enjoy feeling wrecked, but because intensity offers a temporary escape from whatever else they are carrying.

The irony is that what begins as an outlet often becomes another form of overload.

There is a certain type of man who feels more comfortable punishing himself than caring for himself. I have seen this in business owners, first responders, young dads, middle aged dads, retired dads, athletes, students, and men who would never call themselves athletes but work like ones in other parts of their lives. If there is pressure, they absorb it. If there is a problem, they take it on. If there is strain, they hold it quietly.

Stress builds in layers. Work demands. Family responsibilities. Financial pressure. Aging parents. Relationship friction. Sleep debt. One too many weeks of poor eating. One too many training sessions pushed too far. One too many nights trying to squeeze in a “quick workout” instead of actually resting.

When all of that accumulates, training can stop being a release and start becoming another source of strain.

The physiology backs this up. Chronic stress elevates cortisol. High cortisol disrupts sleep, appetite regulation, immune function, and even testosterone production. Add insufficient rest or intense training on top of that and the system starts to crack. You may still feel capable enough to get through the day, but your body is quietly sounding the alarms.

This is where I often see the shift. Training stops feeling productive. Energy nosedives. Enthusiasm disappears. Every session feels harder than it should. The man tells himself he needs to try harder or push more, even though his body is begging for something else entirely.

This is the trap.

When training becomes another method of self punishment, you are no longer building resilience. You are eroding it.

If this section feels uncomfortably accurate, take a breath. You are not the only one. You are not broken. You are simply caught in a pattern that needs to change.

And there is a way forward.

Your Nervous System Keeps the Score, Whether You Pay Attention or Not

Most men I work with understand muscles and fatigue. They know what soreness feels like. They understand that recovery matters in theory, even if they resist taking it seriously. What many have never been taught is how their nervous system governs absolutely everything related to training, stress, and sleep.

You can think of your nervous system as a two mode engine. One mode helps you perform. The other helps you recover. Both matter. Both are required. Both work together to keep you alive and functioning.

The sympathetic system is the accelerator. It increases heart rate, sharpens focus, primes muscles, and prepares you to move quickly or lift something heavy. Great for short bursts of hard work or the demands of a stressful day.

The parasympathetic system is the brake. It slows things down, improves digestion, lowers heart rate, and initiates recovery. Great for sleep, healing, emotional regulation, and the subtle repair work your body does after training.

Most men spend far too much time in the first mode and not nearly enough in the second.

Stress, deadlines, arguments, caffeine, sleep deprivation, financial worries, doom scrolling, and relentless training all keep the accelerator pressed. Even if you finish your day sitting on the couch, your system may still be running hot. It is like leaving the engine idling long after you have parked the car.

Recovery is not something that happens automatically. It is something your system has to be guided into. This is why breathing becomes a powerful tool. If you want a simple place to start, go back to How To Breathe Better (And Why It Changes Everything) for more detailed guidance, especially if you have never intentionally worked on your breathing before.

Mobility work also matters. In How Mobility Is Like Weeding Your Garden we talked about the small maintenance practices that prevent bigger problems later. When you approach mobility with slow breath and deliberate movement, you are not only maintaining your range of motion. You are lowering your overall stress load.

Your nervous system never stops listening. It registers everything. It remembers strain, even when you force yourself to ignore it. If you give it the right environment, it will help you rebuild. If you refuse to slow down, it will eventually force you to.

Better to choose the downshift before your body chooses it for you.

When Training Makes You Less Healthy Instead of More

This is one of the hardest truths for a lot of men to accept. Training is supposed to make you healthier. It is supposed to make you more capable, more resilient, more energetic, and better able to handle what life throws at you. That is the point. But when recovery falls behind stress, even good training starts creating problems rather than solving them.

I have seen this across the full spectrum of clients. Competitive runners trying to pack in too many hard days. Dads who come to the gym twice a week but spend the rest of the week in chronic stress. High achievers who push through exhaustion because they refuse to adjust their schedule. Men who think they can outrun burnout by training harder. Men who treat soreness like a badge of honour and fatigue like something to be conquered.

Signs of trouble show up quietly at first. Poor sleep. Restlessness at night. Trouble calming down. Feeling wired and tired at the same time. Soreness that does not fade. Irritability. Trouble concentrating. A sense of heaviness when thinking about training. The subtle feeling that everything takes more effort than it used to.

There is also the mindset piece, which is just as important as the physical signs. Most men recognise overtraining only when their body forces them to, but your self-talk often gives you clues much earlier. When the voice in your head shifts from “come on, you’ve got this” to “what the fuck is wrong with you, why are you so weak,” that is not motivation. That is self-flagellation. (That’s a true story, by the way – my inner asshole has said exactly that phrase to me more than once, and it is a clear red flag that training has stopped being a pursuit of health and is sliding into punishment.) A little hype now and then is normal, but hostility toward yourself is not. When that edge shows up, it usually means you are pushing from a place of depletion rather than strength.

Then come the more obvious physical signs. Stalled progress. Decreasing strength. Slower times. More aches. More pain. More injuries. More frustration. More “what is wrong with me” moments.

None of this means you are weak. It means your system is overloaded.

This is exactly why the concept of easy training matters so much. In Missing Zones: Easy Cardio we talked about how most people skip the lower intensity work required to build a stronger aerobic base. They default to medium hard or outright hard sessions because they feel productive. Meanwhile the foundation that supports long term progress remains underdeveloped.

If you are always pushing, you are never recovering. If your body is never recovering, it cannot adapt. And if it cannot adapt, you cannot get fitter.

Hard work has a place. It is necessary. It teaches grit and capability and confidence. But hard work without recovery is no longer training. It is self sabotage disguised as effort.

Coach JP suffering in the clover field at the 2023 Summer Death Race

Do As I Say, Not As I Do?

If you have trained with me for any length of time, you already know I am not speaking from some enlightened mountaintop where recovery is effortless and boundaries are always honoured. I understand this stuff, I teach this stuff, and I believe in this stuff… yet I am just as prone as the next person to the mistake of pushing well past what most people would consider reasonable.

My current Movember mileage is a perfect example. Running or walking more than fifteen kilometres a day, on top of running the business and writing these articles, has been a grind. A meaningful grind, but a grind all the same. The fatigue has been real and constant heading into this last week, and a few nagging issues in my hips, legs and feet have been tapping me on the shoulder reminding me that I am not twenty any more. December is going to involve a fair bit of recovery work, and I am hoping a couple of quieter weeks will be enough to let everything settle down again.

This is not new behaviour for me either. In the 2023 Valley Vertikiller 30K race, I fractured my ankle less than ten per cent of the way into the course. I knew something was wrong, but it didn’t feel THAT bad…still, the smart thing would have been to stop at the first aid station. Instead, I kept grinding my way through the remaining distance because I had convinced myself that finishing mattered more than listening to my body. I was “OK enough” to keep going as long as I kept making the cutoffs. That is not a story meant to impress you with Goggins-esque toughness. That is a stubbornness story. Knowing what I should do and actually doing it are not always the same thing.

The difference this time is that I am at least trying to manage the stress as I go. I have mixed in walking days to reduce the pounding, taken the massage gun to my calves and quads more often than usual, booked a mid month beating from my RMT, soaked in the hot tub when things felt too tight, fuelled well, and slept as much as I could. I have been stubbornly pushing forward because there is a clear finish line on November thirtieth, but I have been trying to stay mindful rather than reckless.

Again, I share this not to position myself as some hardened example of toughness, but to be transparent about the fact that I am just as susceptible to these patterns as anyone. Understanding the physiology does not grant immunity from the psychology. Recovery requires awareness, practice, and honesty. I am still working on all three, one step at a time… sometimes quite literally.

OK, with that out of the way, here is more on what you should do, rather than what I often do… LOL.

Why “I’ll Sleep When I Am Dead” Is One of the Fastest Ways to Get There

There is a stubborn belief that sleep is optional. That it is a luxury. That it is something busy people cannot afford. Many men still treat it like an inconvenience rather than the foundation of everything they want to accomplish.

Sleep is not a weakness. It is not a sign of low ambition. It is not something you fit in around the rest of your life. It is the biological reset that keeps your entire system functioning.

For most adults, seven to nine hours per night is widely regarded as the sweet spot. Less than that on a consistent basis and your system starts accumulating a sleep debt that shows up everywhere. More than that occasionally is fine if your body is catching up, but routinely needing very long sleep can also be a flag that something else is going on.

When sleep drops below the level your body needs, everything else becomes harder. Recovery slows. Appetite regulation changes. Hunger increases. Training quality decreases. Mood stability declines. Decision making suffers. Immune function weakens. Hormone levels shift in unhelpful directions.

The good news is that you can stack the deck in your favour with some simple sleep hygiene practices. Keep your bedroom as dark as you reasonably can. A slightly cooler room, somewhere around nineteen degrees Celsius, tends to support better sleep for most people. Avoid screens for at least thirty minutes before bed, since bright light and endless scrolling both keep your brain wired. Build a simple pre sleep routine so that your body recognises the cues that it is time to wind down. You do not need an elaborate ritual. You just need consistency.

And all of this matters even if you feel like you can “manage” on low sleep. You cannot out discipline your physiology.

One or two late nights is fine. Life happens. A season with a newborn is expected. Shift work has its own realities. But chronic sleep deprivation carries real risks. If you suspect sleep apnoea, recurrent insomnia, or breathing irregularities at night, that is the time to seek proper assessment.

The men who live longest and stay strongest as they age are not the ones who trained the hardest. They are the ones who balanced stress with recovery and respected the difference between pushing and punishing.

That brings us to a simple but powerful framework.

Optical illusion of a 3D continuous triangle

The Training Triangle: Stress, Stimulus and Recovery

Every training plan sits on a three sided base. Stress load. Training stimulus. Recovery capacity. All three interact. All three matter. All three must remain in balance if you want long term progress.

Most men try to improve fitness by cranking up the training side alone. They push heavier, run faster, do more sessions, or increase the difficulty before they increase the quality of their recovery.

This is like trying to build a house by adding more storeys without strengthening the foundation.

Recovery is where the adaptation happens. Muscles repair between sessions. Tendons strengthen between sessions. Cardiovascular improvements happen when the body is allowed to integrate the training stimulus. Without enough recovery, even the smartest programme stalls.

This is why a plan cannot be treated like a prison. In A Plan Is Not a Prison we talked about flexibility as a sign of maturity rather than inconsistency. Programmes guide you, but your body provides the real data. Listening to that data is not weakness. It is wisdom.

A well structured training cycle includes variability. Hard days. Easy days. Mobility days. Breathwork. Low intensity work. Strength work. Actual rest. Not all stress is training stress. If work and life have already pushed your stress load to the ceiling, adding a high intensity session on top does not build fitness. It magnifies overload.

This is why Real Discipline Is Adaptable. It requires the ability to adjust based on context, not just effort. It requires humility. It requires patience. It requires the willingness to hold back when the old version of you would have pushed through.

If you want to train for longevity, capability, and resilience, the recovery side of the triangle must matter as much as the training side.

Recovery as a Skill That Makes You Stronger, Not Softer

Recovery is not the absence of work. It is a different kind of work. A quieter, more mature, more sustainable kind of work that keeps you capable for the long haul.

It includes sleep, breathing practices, low intensity movement, deliberate mobility, protein rich meals, hydration, connection with others, laughter, and time spent doing things that help you decompress. These are not luxuries. These are training tools.

If you want a simple place to begin, use this belly breathing practice from How To Breathe Better:

Either sitting or lying down, place your left hand on your chest and your right hand on your belly, inhale deeply through your nose and fill your belly with air (imagine your belly like a balloon you are filling), then exhale slowly through your mouth, using your diaphragm to help gently push the air out and empty the balloon. You should feel your right hand (on your belly) move much further and faster than your left hand (on your chest). Ten breaths like this let your system shift into a calmer state. It is simple, accessible, and highly effective.

Easy movement also matters. A short walk after meals. A session of Zone 2 cardio. A few minutes of gentle stretching before bed. Light mobility work during the day. These activities increase circulation, clear metabolic byproducts from training, regulate mood, and support digestion. They are small deposits in the recovery bank.

Protein is another pillar. Enough protein helps repair muscle, stabilises appetite, supports immune function, and prevents the kind of muscle loss that accelerates ageing. It does not have to be complicated. One to two palm sized portions per meal is usually enough guidance for most men. Overthinking it often creates more stress.

Connection is essential. Social support improves health outcomes at every age. In fact, isolation is as damaging to long term health as smoking. Movember has spent years reminding us that men who stay connected live longer. Do not underestimate the value of sitting with friends, checking in with someone you trust, or spending time with people who let you breathe.

None of this requires perfection. It just requires consistency. A little bit better, over and over, beats heroic efforts followed by burnout.

Practical Tools for Men Who Are Always Running Hot

If you tend to live life in fifth gear, start with simple tools that slow your system just enough to allow recovery to begin.

Sleep anchors help. Get up at the same time each day. Dim screens an hour before bed. Use a simple pre sleep routine. Do not overcomplicate it.

Mindful breathing helps. Use the breathing practice from the previous section to slow things down. Just ten breaths like this can make a huge difference, trigger your parasympathetic nervous system, and help your system settle.

Training adjustments help. Swap high intensity sessions for easy sessions when stress is high. Use the Rate of Perceived Exertion scale. If your body feels heavy and unfocused, choose a lighter session.

Evening decompression rituals help. Gentle mobility. Reading. Slow stretching. A cup of herbal tea. Anything that signals to your system that it can shift into recovery mode.

You do not need all of these at once. Choose the ones that feel most doable and build from there. And again, if you suspect a deeper issue such as sleep apnoea or severe anxiety, that is the time to seek professional guidance. General strategies work for most men, but not all situations.

The Courage to Slow Down

For many men, slowing down is far harder than pushing through. Pushing through feels familiar. Slowing down requires reflection. It requires sitting with yourself. It requires acknowledging the strain you have been carrying. It requires admitting that you are not invincible.

It is easier to add weight to the bar than admit you are overwhelmed. It is easier to go for a long run than to sit quietly and breathe. It is easier to train to exhaustion than ask for help. It is easier to pretend everything is fine than acknowledge the truth.

This is why recovery requires courage. It is not passive. It is not lazy. It is not weakness. It is the recognition that capability is built through cycles of effort and rest, not through endless strain.

Your nervous system already knows this. Your body already knows this. The question is whether you will listen.

When men learn to rest well, everything else improves. Strength increases. Sleep stabilises. Stress becomes more manageable. Mood improves. Training feels enjoyable again. Life feels lighter.

You do not become less capable by slowing down. You become more capable by restoring the capacity you have been burning through.

This is one of the core lessons from What Counts as Hard Work. Sometimes the hardest work is choosing to do less when every part of you has learned to push more.

Train for a Life You Can Actually Live

Men often believe that longevity is built from intensity. Max effort lifts. Hero workouts. Big mileage weeks. Endless discipline. There is a place for all of that. Hard work builds confidence and resilience, but only when it is balanced with recovery that allows your system to adapt.

True longevity is not built from the hardest training sessions. It is built from the quiet habits that keep you steady. Sleep. Stress management. Breath. Connection. Nutrition. Low intensity movement. Listening to your body. Knowing when to push and when to pause.

A strong, well rested, well recovered man is a better leader, a better father, a better partner, a better colleague, and a more grounded human being. Strength and capability matter, but they mean nothing if you burn yourself down in the process.

Life will ask many things of you. You cannot show up for the people you love if you are running on fumes. You cannot carry others if you have nothing left to support yourself.

Train hard. Train smart. Rest well. Build a body that can carry you through the decades ahead.

That is how real longevity is built.

That is how capability grows.

And that is how men stay alive long enough to live the lives they want to live.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if I’m overtraining or just tired?

Overtraining is more than normal post-workout fatigue; common signs include a drop in performance despite consistent effort, persistent tiredness, disrupted sleep, lingering soreness, elevated resting heart rate, and changes in mood such as irritability or low motivation. If these symptoms last for days or weeks instead of resolving with a few lighter sessions or rest days, it is a sign to reduce training load, prioritise sleep, and consider speaking with a healthcare or qualified coaching professional.

How many rest days per week do men really need for good recovery?

Most active men do well with at least 1–2 full rest days per week plus a few lower-intensity sessions to allow muscles, joints, and the nervous system to recover. The exact number depends on training intensity, age, and overall stress; men in their late 30s to 60s often benefit from more structured recovery, including deload weeks, lighter days between hard sessions, and extra sleep when life stress is high.

What are the most common signs of overtraining in men aged 35–60?

In men 35–60, overtraining often shows up as stubborn fatigue, stalled or declining strength, slower recovery between sessions, disrupted sleep, and more frequent aches or overuse injuries. Mood-related warning signs such as irritability, feeling “flat,” anxiety, or a loss of enjoyment in training can also indicate that total stress and training load are outrunning recovery.

How much sleep do I need for muscle growth and training performance?

Most adults need 7–9 hours of sleep per night, and athletes or men training hard may benefit from slightly more, such as an extra hour or strategic naps. Short-term reductions of about 1–2 hours below this range may not completely block strength gains, but chronic sleep restriction can impair recovery, hormone regulation, reaction time, and overall performance.

Is it okay to train when I feel stressed or mentally drained?

Light to moderate exercise can help reduce stress, improve mood, and support sleep, especially when intensity is kept manageable and sessions are shorter. However, repeatedly doing very intense workouts on top of high life stress increases the risk of overtraining, injuries, and burnout, so it is wise to adjust volume and intensity on particularly stressful days.

What is parasympathetic “downshifting” and how does it help recovery?

Parasympathetic downshifting means deliberately moving your body from a “fight or flight” sympathetic state into a calmer “rest and digest” mode, which supports recovery, digestion, and sleep. Techniques like slow nasal breathing, extended exhalations, light stretching, mobility work, and foam rolling after training can help activate the parasympathetic system and improve your ability to recover between sessions.

What is the best recovery routine after strength or conditioning sessions?

An effective post-workout recovery routine usually includes a gradual cool-down, light mobility or stretching, hydration, and a balanced meal or snack with protein and carbohydrates within a few hours of training. Adding brief breathwork, easy walking, or gentle foam rolling can further support circulation, reduce muscle tension, and help your nervous system shift into recovery mode.

How can men prevent injuries and maintain mobility as they age?

Regular mobility and flexibility work, such as dynamic warm-ups, stretching, and joint-focused movement, helps maintain range of motion and reduce the risk of overuse injuries, especially in the hips, shoulders, and spine. Combining this with strength training, progressive load management, adequate rest, and attention to technique is key for long-term joint health and training longevity in men over 35.

Should I push through fatigue or take a deload week?

Short-term tiredness after a hard block can be normal, but if fatigue, soreness, or performance issues linger, a planned deload week with reduced volume and intensity can help the body catch up on recovery and adapt. Ignoring these signs and pushing harder increases the risk of overtraining syndrome, which may require weeks or months of scaled-back activity to fully resolve.

How should men in their 40s and 50s balance training intensity, work stress, and family life?

Men in midlife often see the best results from a “waves” approach to training: 2–3 harder sessions per week, balanced with low-intensity cardio, walking, and dedicated rest or mobility days. Paying attention to overall stress load—sleep quality, work pressure, and family demands—and adjusting training intensity accordingly helps protect long-term health, performance, and motivation.

Movember Matters

You can support my Movember campaign and help fund research and programmes that support men’s mental health, prostate cancer, and testicular cancer. As of this writing, I have run 415.70 km this month, and we have raised $1,303 of our $2,500 dollar goal.

Donate via Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/donate/4327774960878267/

Or through my Movember MoSpace:

https://movember.com/m/15369756?mc=1

Your support means the world, and every contribution makes a difference.

Training Is Only Half the Story

Training is just one part of the equation. What you do in the kitchen matters just as much as what you do in the gym.

If you are ready to bring your nutrition in line with your goals, join our Free 30 Day Fat Loss Blueprint. It is a daily email series that walks you through the same core nutrition and mindset principles from The Balanced Burn, giving you clear, practical guidance you can start using right away.

👉 Sign up for free here: www.btgfitness.com/30-day-fat-loss-blueprint